emword's Xanga

Prelude to a Crush: A Play in Six Words

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 23:59:22 GMT

Foreword: I think I just fell in love at Ralph's. It was like looking at the sun.

Tatyana Ali: Oh, I'm sorry.
Marcus: Oh, excuse me.

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All I need to do is keep running into her at Ralph's over and over for about six months — even if I have to deal with the weirdness of seeing Erik Estrada in shorts again.

The Bronze Lining: Self-Esteem

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 23:41:13 GMT

http://BronzeLining.com

Hot Pockets

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:46:11 GMT

Dear Star Savior: Episode 9

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 08:08:53 GMT

In this week's "Dear Star Savior":

— I reach out to Madonna after a court stops her from adopting a child

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, contact me at StarSavior.com, where you can read “Dear Star Savior” and listen to previous episodes.

Download “Dear Star Savior: Episode 9″ (MP3, 4:27, 6.1 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Note to self: April Fools' Day 2009

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 00:36:56 GMT

'ShamWow Guy' arrested after fight with prostitute

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:17:43 GMT

TV infomercial actor Vince Shlomi, better known as the ShamWow Guy, was arrested after a violent confrontation with a prostitute who bit his tongue after he kissed her.

He is expected to receive a disease in 6-8 weeks.

Suicide jumper on the 101

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 23:26:35 GMT

Bad touch

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 16:20:43 GMT

Tuesday night, for the first time in ages, I was beat over the head with overt “interest” signals. But as flattering as it was — I love subtlety, but I’m not made of stone, damn it — it did nothing for me.

This isn't meant to be a bragging session, so here’s a quick summary:

* When she spotted me, she made a beeline toward me for the traditional salsa-club cheek kiss, then said she had been wanting to see me in the couple of months I hadn't been there.

* She later did a standing-up equivalent of a "call to spooning," backing into me in a very non-accidental way.

* A little later, she touched my tank-top areas and remarked on them. Again, this is not bragging. I'm totally aware that I'm nowhere near "built." I have the upper body of a toddler. Actually, I just noticed that I can clearly see my ribs through a polo layered over a dress shirt.

I usually don't get that kind of attention, so part of me says she deserves a Nobel or a Purple Heart. But I actually was kind of turned off.^

It’s not that she is unattractive or unpleasant in any other way. And I wasn’t turned off because her overt signals cheated whatever primal “hunter” urge supposedly is hard-wired into my brain.

I'm still investigating it, but I have a theory: I think I was turned off by her approach because it was the opposite of my "approach."

"Approach" is in quotes for a reason. Usually, Girl X and I become really good friends through a mix of gab-a-thons and something like Scrabble. Then, out of nowhere, there's nudity. (As an ex told me, "Your game is that you have no game.")

I think I was turned off by the attention she gave me because it's so different from the type of attention I like to give when I'm interested. (Warning: Labored analogy ahead!) Consider this difference in approaches: Person A wonders whether the family across the street is at home, so he looks out a window to see whether their lights are on. But Person B goes across the street and sets the house on fire to see whether the family runs out. Both ways get the job done, but the family across the street might not like the arson.

So now I'm wondering whether my theory has legs. When you're being "hit on," how overt do you like it? And how does that compare to the way you put signals out there?

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^ Guys, feel free to tell me that I'm insane.

Arsonist targets 1990s Ford Escorts

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 20:12:17 GMT

Police in southern Oregon are searching for an arsonist accused of setting fire to early 1990s Ford Escorts.

He reportedly set the cars on fire by driving them.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29499420

$625: An East Hollywood Story

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 06:02:48 GMT

The following is based on an apartment viewing held Monday night in East Hollywood.

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$625, East Hollywood bachelor apartment (Melrose and Wilton)

After our first showing Monday night, I've updated this apartment's description with details provided before and during the showing. So here's more about what our community offers:

* Despair! -- Who says you have to be asleep during night terrors?

* Derelicts! -- Coming this spring: a left-handed stabber! We believe in balance.

* Doorless bathroom! -- Ever wondered what it would be like to live in a Port-a-Potty? Welcome home.

* On-site drug dealer! -- If you're a professional addict, stop commuting! Live where you work!

* Guy on corner with pit bulldog! -- Curious about being mauled? Think you've got what it takes (actually, what the dog would take)? Tired of wondering where you'll die? Then belly up to the bar -- and leave your belly there!

Just fill out an application -- with all of your credit information and a copy of your driver's license -- and leave it with me, the current tenant, not some lame management office. Like I said Monday night after asking for this identity-theft kit, "I dunno. We'll figure this shit out."

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The lesson: Maybe it's time for cheapskate me to raise my rent limit.